Handshake? Just Say No!

Like your mother used to say, "You never know where someone's hand has been." For heaven's sake, don't shake it.

It's cold and flu season again; and who knows what icky, mega-virus will be making the rounds this year? So, what do you do?

Just Say No!

In fact, not shaking hands is the only 45 policy I can support.

Of course, your hands are clean

You, of course, are a threat to no one. You wash your hands at least twenty times a day, swishing and sloshing suds from palm to tip, long enough to sing a full round of "Happy Birthday." When you have no water access, you keep hand sanitizer at the ready.
You're not the problem. It's THEM!

No Skin-to-Skin Contact, Period!

Other people are a problem, so you can't shake hands randomly. And goodness knows, you can't kiss a stranger, not even a phony cheek-to-cheek air kiss. It could be a matter of life or death.

So what do you do?

Be vigilant. Don't touch or be touched!

• Watch out for any pending invasion of your personal germ and virus free space.

• Defend yourself against handshakes, kisses, and hugs.

• When you see a skin violation coming your way, go for these diversionary tactics.

1- The Share Your Sanitizer Shake (The SYSS) 

If you come within handshaking distance of an acquaintance,

1. Whip out your sanitizer. 
2. Squirt a dollop in the middle of your palm and 
3. Grab the other person's hand before the sanitizer slides onto your shoe. 

The "sanitizee" may try to pull away. That's where that strong, impressive grip of yours comes in. Hold on tight. Shake with all your might. Look him/her in the eye. Smile and say "Sanitizer."

2 - Five On The Black* Hand Side (FOTBHS) 

Most African Americans never really said things like "Gimme' Five On The Black Hand Side." We didn't run around hitting the backs of our hands together either. That's just blaxploitation movie lore that made white folks think black folks were way cool. 

That being said, a back-of-the-hand to back-of-the-hand greeting is less germy than a palm-to-palm shake. (Most people don't touch things with the backs of their hands so they pick up fewer germs) It makes sense to revive the phrase and the greeting as a defense against yucky germ-laden palms.

Of course, for FOTBHS to work in these politically correct times, we must tailor it to our multicultural circumstances. How about Five On the Brown, Beige, Pink, White, Yellow, or whatever side you deem appropriate?

3 - The Latex Hand (LH) 

It's okay to admit it; you've never really trusted the human hand. It's dirty and germ-infested and people never sanitize them the way they should. That's reason enough to unveil your secret stash of Latex gloves. Set them free!

Postal workers wear thick blue gloves. Nurses wear thin white ones. Now you can wear your Latex gloves all the time without having to explain your quirk to anyone.

Pull out your surgical masks too. You know you want to.

4 - The Booty Bump (BB) 

This booty-to-booty dance was popular in the seventies. Consider the ageless influence of the drunk wedding booty-bump and you'll realize it's a move with staying power. That makes the Bump the perfect alternative to shaking hands. 

The Bump is timeless because it's fun, it's easy and it's a sexy way to make human contact without spreading infectious diseases. Why not use it as your official germ-safe greeting.

5 - The Peace Sign 

Pandemic viruses call for creative no-touch greetings. Since we're reaching way back in time, why not call up the Peace Sign. It's a really cool no-contact greeting that's flexible enough for any situation.

When you see a hand or arms or a pair of lips headed your way,

1. Throw your hand up just above shoulder level. 
2. Create a Vee with your index and middle fingers and 
3. Put a little oomph into it for a personal touch.  
4. Say "Peace Dude," and keep stepping.

6 - The Obama Fist Bump (OFB)

Fist Bump (Pixabay/Creative Commons)

Decades of movies, sports and sitcoms tell us that the Obamas weren't the first to publicly share a fist bump. But didn't they make it great again? The Obama's don't own this cool move so you should feel free to use it to avoid scary palm-bacteria.

The fist bump is trendy, quick, and easy. Like the FOTBHS, it brings hands together back-to-back, always a less germy connection than shaking hands.

*"African Americans" were "Black" in the late sixties and seventies.


Be well,
Carol, The Nice Lady


Copyright Carol George-Rucker 2017
Rewritten from Carol's article previously published on Yahoo Voices